The more profitable questions to answer are: What does Satan invest in? How does he fund evil? Satan's Portfolio will track the perfomance of the stocks which Mephistocles is proud to put his money into, namely, companies who benefit from suffering, death, war, tobacco, nutrasweet and fraud.
- Halliburton (ticker: HAL)
- Satan's Investment Thesis: Chaos investment. Halliburton does best when the globe is at strife and their lucrative contingency support KBR subdivision can take advantage of the chaos and pad their high margins with fraud. Also benefits from a rise in oil prices which squeezes the poor into not being able to heat their homes (or something I don't really know as I heat my house with burned $20's). Yes, it's almost cliche to have this as the first entry into the portfolio, but within 5 minutes of my mentioning this idea to Juggles, our site's logs showed a visitor from Halliburton.com (Proof). Chilling.
- Experian, a subsidiary of GUS Plc (ticker: GUS.L)
- Owns credit services and affiliate marketing products which straddle the line between deceptive and fraud. Their division, lowermybills.com, is responsible for a significant portion of all pop-under ads. They target unsophisticated people who cannot discern the validity of their services -- their "customer" demographic is the poor, the in-debt, and the stupid. Experian is a pillar of the credit system of this country which is backwards, outdated and unfair. And I LOVE it. So does Satan.
- Oracle (ticker: ORCL)
- Satan's Words "I feel most comfortable putting my retirement money in a company whose CEO looks and acts like me."
- Diageo (ticker: DEO)
- Owns many of the world's leading liquor brands. I can personally thank Diageo for days of lost productivity, liver damage, and one pending divorce. Thanks Jose (Cuervo tequila) and Johnnie (Walker whiskey)! If Diageo can somehow acquire Jaegermeister, Satan will take out a 4th mortgage on Hell and ACCUMULATE. Diageo's only risk factor is its Responsible Marketing Plan. Hopefully, this is a smokescreen; in my opinion, they should consider taking some ads out on Nickelodeon. It is also not lost on Satan the fact that Diageo's ticker is the ablative and dative form of "Deus" in Latin.
- Monsanto (ticker: MON)
- A site called EthicalInvesting.com described Monsanto as the "World's Most Unethical and Harmful Investment." Satan's words, "back up the truck".
- The Vice Fund (ticker: VICEX)
- Satan is not afraid to say "I am a lazy bastard," so this fund which only buys assets of companies who profit off drinking, gambling, death, national defense and smoking is perfect for him. These are "recession proof" companies because people can't get enough Vice. It's 3 year performance is in the 1st Quintile of Lipper's Multicap Core Category.
